2.20.2009
2.13.2009
My Favorite Poem
Haven't posted in a bit, so to appease the masses, here is one of my all-time favorite poems:
After A While
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
& chaining a soul.
& you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
& company doesn't always mean security.
& you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
& presents aren't promises
& you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up & your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
& you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
& futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
& decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.
& you learn
that you really can endure
that you really do have worth
& you learn
& you learn
with every goodbye you learn.
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
& chaining a soul.
& you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
& company doesn't always mean security.
& you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
& presents aren't promises
& you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up & your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
& you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
& futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
& decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.
& you learn
that you really can endure
that you really do have worth
& you learn
& you learn
with every goodbye you learn.
2.03.2009
CAUTION: Philosophical Rant Ahead
I'm putting you all on notice...
The next person who hears about/discusses my impending divorce and at any point makes the statement "Well at least you didn't have kids" is getting kicked squarely in the junk by yours truly.
Because really? The joke's on you, as neither of us want children. Ever, ever, ever.
(I have a hard enough time taking care of my dog, even in our joint custody arrangement)
This is not something new. I grew up with 5 younger cousins, was always the oldest kid at the after school daycare, babysat like mad, spent 6 years working at a group home for teenage boys, not to mention that currently I have 380 kids on my watch. I think it's safe to say that I'm not going into this lightly, though I initially felt my being a parent was a bad idea back when I was a teenager myself.
And really, along with that, I don't remember ever feeling that my being a wife was a good idea. But everyone around me thought it was. And so yes, I gave in to peer pressure. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to place my marriage's demise on anyone but the 2 of us involved. But I am most definitely guilty of falling in to the enthusiasm of everyone around me thinking this marriage was a good idea. And not even so much the "happily ever after" part, but the idea of a wedding. (And don't get me wrong, my wedding was one helluva party) (And also, don't think that I'm shitting all over our getting married. But he and I had a conversation about a year in and came to the conclusion that we got married essentially because our mothers both hoped we would. Which is obviously not the best reason to get married)
Now I know of and know personally plenty of people who have/had longstanding relationships without ever getting married. You also hear about those folks who are together forever, but the second that piece of paper comes into play, it's the beginning of the end.
And I can see it from both sides, as I don't think living together, let alone marriage, is for me. As previously discussed, living alone totally kicks ass (and if I had a dollar or every time I heard someone say they envied me this, I could cover my Starbucks bill for the first quarter of this new year)
I'm also a very particular person, so I like things to be just so, and I don't need someone else coming in and messing that all up. And all too often, my "only child" rears its ugly head, especially when my things aren't given the kind of consideration I would show.
I think I realize this all now, but before it just manifested as this low simmering anger that I carried around all the time, which meant I was vaguely pissed pretty much 24/7. And I think when we lived in Sacramento, it was easier to tolerate because our schedules were so completely different: ME -- graveyard shift, grad school, swing shift, internships, study sessions, weekend shift; HIM -- day shift, night shift, all nighters, etc. And at any point in time, either one of us could come to our respective parents' houses to spend over. So our time actually in the apartment together was minimal at best.
But when we made the move back home and our schedules synced, and we had no "escape route", while I still couldn't put my finger on it, it became screamingly obvious to me that this situation was not okay.
Ready for the philosophical part?
Like everything else, I believe relationships change and evolve constantly. People learn and experience so much throughout their lifetimes, how can they not? Because of this, when relationships do change, the people in them either roll with it or they don't. In our case, we chose "Don't".
Additionally, I have another longstanding belief that when it comes down to it, Love = Tolerance.
Now before you call bullshit, hear me out.
Have you ever observed someone's relationship and thought "I just don't know how he/she puts up with him/her" ? Well, I believe that's because what that person is willing to put up and what you are willing to put up with are 2 very different things.
This is also known as Tolerance.
And so when you are in a relationship, when things become Intolerable, that's when you need to make a choice of roll with it (i.e. think long and hard about what's going on and working with your partner to return things to the Tolerable state) or don't (self-explanatory).
Okay...I'm all ranted out now.
The next person who hears about/discusses my impending divorce and at any point makes the statement "Well at least you didn't have kids" is getting kicked squarely in the junk by yours truly.
Because really? The joke's on you, as neither of us want children. Ever, ever, ever.
(I have a hard enough time taking care of my dog, even in our joint custody arrangement)
This is not something new. I grew up with 5 younger cousins, was always the oldest kid at the after school daycare, babysat like mad, spent 6 years working at a group home for teenage boys, not to mention that currently I have 380 kids on my watch. I think it's safe to say that I'm not going into this lightly, though I initially felt my being a parent was a bad idea back when I was a teenager myself.
And really, along with that, I don't remember ever feeling that my being a wife was a good idea. But everyone around me thought it was. And so yes, I gave in to peer pressure. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to place my marriage's demise on anyone but the 2 of us involved. But I am most definitely guilty of falling in to the enthusiasm of everyone around me thinking this marriage was a good idea. And not even so much the "happily ever after" part, but the idea of a wedding. (And don't get me wrong, my wedding was one helluva party) (And also, don't think that I'm shitting all over our getting married. But he and I had a conversation about a year in and came to the conclusion that we got married essentially because our mothers both hoped we would. Which is obviously not the best reason to get married)
Now I know of and know personally plenty of people who have/had longstanding relationships without ever getting married. You also hear about those folks who are together forever, but the second that piece of paper comes into play, it's the beginning of the end.
And I can see it from both sides, as I don't think living together, let alone marriage, is for me. As previously discussed, living alone totally kicks ass (and if I had a dollar or every time I heard someone say they envied me this, I could cover my Starbucks bill for the first quarter of this new year)
I'm also a very particular person, so I like things to be just so, and I don't need someone else coming in and messing that all up. And all too often, my "only child" rears its ugly head, especially when my things aren't given the kind of consideration I would show.
I think I realize this all now, but before it just manifested as this low simmering anger that I carried around all the time, which meant I was vaguely pissed pretty much 24/7. And I think when we lived in Sacramento, it was easier to tolerate because our schedules were so completely different: ME -- graveyard shift, grad school, swing shift, internships, study sessions, weekend shift; HIM -- day shift, night shift, all nighters, etc. And at any point in time, either one of us could come to our respective parents' houses to spend over. So our time actually in the apartment together was minimal at best.
But when we made the move back home and our schedules synced, and we had no "escape route", while I still couldn't put my finger on it, it became screamingly obvious to me that this situation was not okay.
Ready for the philosophical part?
Like everything else, I believe relationships change and evolve constantly. People learn and experience so much throughout their lifetimes, how can they not? Because of this, when relationships do change, the people in them either roll with it or they don't. In our case, we chose "Don't".
Additionally, I have another longstanding belief that when it comes down to it, Love = Tolerance.
Now before you call bullshit, hear me out.
Have you ever observed someone's relationship and thought "I just don't know how he/she puts up with him/her" ? Well, I believe that's because what that person is willing to put up and what you are willing to put up with are 2 very different things.
This is also known as Tolerance.
And so when you are in a relationship, when things become Intolerable, that's when you need to make a choice of roll with it (i.e. think long and hard about what's going on and working with your partner to return things to the Tolerable state) or don't (self-explanatory).
Okay...I'm all ranted out now.
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